This is for my buddies who share my love of Joe Mauer. This has been floating around in my head since it was announced last week that Joe and his brother Bill, then just Bill, then Bill and a "partner" had bought Southview Chevy from the despicable Denny Hecker.
...and I pause to watch the end of the Sox vs Twins game. This is awful to watch. I beg Joe Nathan to stop making this so interesting. I cannot handle this. I do not understand how he can have such a good record but lately every game he's nearly blowing it.
Imagine the score is 8-6. Bottom of the 9th. Sox are up. First guy grounds out. Nathan hits the second guy with a pitch. He strikes out AJ Perznksi (that was hilareous, I was hoping for a bench clearing fight on that one) but not before he throws a wild pitch and lets Beckham get to second. Then he walks the next guy. Now we have the tying runs on base and if this next batter hits a home run, they win. Thank God the next guy popped out. We stay 2.5 games back from Detroit.
I'm all for interesting pennant races, but I don't like it when I feel sick watching Joe Nathan close up a game and almost let it slip away 18 bazillion times. The FSN guy says, "you can tell he's out of gas. He's just tryin to invent stuff now."
So back to my story. Well, maybe one other story first. Last year, I didn't want us to win the Division title. WHAT? Yeah, I know. My friend got married last fall and her husband was buddies with Joe Mauer (among others on the team-he used to work with them). The wedding was in October and I knew that if we made the post season Joe would not show up to the wedding (he was invited). So we didn't win the Division, but Joe (too depressed I assume) did not come to the wedding. His brother Bill (who I will mention later) did rsvp yes but did not show up (I saw his name card on the table. Again, I was bummed. Maybe he was busy trying to cheer up Joe?) Well whatever. I had fun anyway. All they missed was us playing "Cotton Eye Joe", making a big circle and taking turns dancing like crazy in the center. It was probably the most fun I've ever had at a wedding dance.
Back to the real story.
Last week in the Business Journal it was announced that Joe had bought Southview Chevy. Their source was his grandfather, who's admitted in the past to having issues with "booze and women." However correct a source grandpa Mauer is, he's freaking hilareous. I enjoy watching them interview him because he just says whatever he's thinking, just like it is. Well, except for this time. I think the original story was that Joe had bought Southview Chevy FOR his brother Bill who used to be the sales manager there. Then the story changed (by the time I saw it on t.v. that morning) to Joe and Bill had bought it together and were going to run their very own dealership. THEN the story was quickly retracted when Bill called the media and said Joe had nothing to do with it, it was all him. He didn't want to discuss where he got the money from so of course we're all assuming it's Joe. Then he admits he has a partner. I'm thinking, is it Joe? Hahaha. Then he admits his partner was the guy who used to run the Southview Chevy dealership with him. So the story was very interesting, then slowly got less interesting. And Joe? He had no comment through the whole ordeal. Fine with me. Maybe no one told him what was going on and Bill just handled it. All the better, let's let him focus on doing his job.
But if he did know, this is how I imagine the conversation going (over the phone):
Bill: Hey, gramps.
Grandpa: Heya Billy, how you doing?
Bill: Fine, grandpa, but did you have to tell the Biz Journal that Joe bought Southview for me?
Joe: Yeah, grandpa, I really didn't have anything to do with it. I just buy cars from Billy, I don't want to sell them. I already have a job.
Grandpa: Joey? That you? I thought I was talkin to Billy...where'd Billy go?
Bill: I'm still here Grandpa, it's a 3-way-call.
Grandpa: I had one of those once, but it involved women...
Joe: No, grandpa, you can talk to two people at the same time on the phone. It's called a 3-way-call.
Grandpa: Well if that's what they're calling it now...
Bill: No, really it's not like that. It's kind of like a conference call.
Grandpa: A call girl in a conference room? That's a little unprofessional.
Bill: (sighs) just forget it gramps. Why'd you tell them it was Joe? You knew it was me.
Grandpa: To be honest Billy, I knew no one would care if it was just you so I threw Joe in there to get ya some press.
Bill: I can hold my own, people care about what I do.
Joe: (laughs hysterically)
Grandpa: Well the way I see it Billy, ya got your brother Jakey down in Florida 'bout to be a manager up here, ya got Joey being the best ball player who ever lived and ya got you...a car salesman? Think about this now Billy.
Joe: People aren't even buying cars right now Bill, we're in a recession. You should really invest in real estate, like me.
Bill: Uh, Joe? Real estate market bottomed out, buddy.
Joe: Crap.
Bill: So you're saying no one is going to buy a car from me, even if my last name is Mauer?
Joe: It's okay Bill really, I'll just buy 12 cars a month from you and donate them to underprivledged youth and you'll be fine.
Bill: What if I get you to make apperances at the dealership?
Joe: Billy let's be honest here. It would start a riot. Girls would be tearing off their clothes, guys would be tearing off my clothes...
Bill: That's true. Can I put you in a box? A high security clear plastic box?
Joe: No.
Grandpa: Joey maybe you should go, you need to find a woman.
Joe: I don't think so grandpa.
Grandpa: Billy you find a pretty girl to put in the box with him.
Bill: Done. Joe make sure you shower that day.
Joe: Is anyone listening? I am NOT doing this...I already offered you a contingency plan.
Bill: But this is better. This way the girls could get right up next to you. They could lick the box instead of you. We know how much you hate to be drooled on.
Grandpa: Better idea: if they agreed to buy a car they get to go IN the box with Joey!
Bill: Ooo, that is a good idea.
Joe: NO! NO! NO! And NO!
Bill: For ever car sold, Joe takes off an article of clothing.
Joe: I'm hanging up now. Do you hear me? HANGING UP!
Grandpa: Billy you ARE a sales genius!
Joe: (click)
Grandpa: Where's Joey?
Bill: Eh, I think he hung up. I gotta go Grandpa, I got some billboards to design! I don't have any shirtless picturse of Joe, how do you think we could get one?
Grandpa: I don't know if that's such a good idea Billy. You'd cause accidents.
Bill: Right. Thanks.
Grandpa: Any time you need more press, I'll be more than happy to tell the papers Joe's running your dealership.
No comments:
Post a Comment